Maybe you need to hear this, too

What I needed someone to say to me

I wrote this in September when the dream house we wanted to buy fell through and I was in a bit of a state about many aspects of my life. I am in a much better space now, but I wanted to put it out there for those of you who might need to hear the advice yourself.

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I am not currently walking the talk.

My vegetables are dying. My plants are dying.

I haven't joined a zoom call in weeks.

I haven't texted my friends back (or maybe I've texted them too much?!).

I haven't read a page of my book.

I haven't cooked a healthy meal.

I haven't painted or walked or brought things to life.

I don't think I've even had an original thought.

What I have done is lots of crying. Lots of stressing. Lots of worrying. Lots of complaining. Lots of screaming into the void.

I feel like I do a lot more complaining than doing. A lot more feeling guilty. A lot more excuse making.

But I have cleaned my kitchen today–can't that be enough?

But I have read one book this month–can't that be enough?

But I have seen some friends this weekend–can't that be enough?

What I really, really, really, really want is validation. I want someone to tell me I'm working hard and I deserve a break. I want someone to tell me I'm doing enough. I want someone to tell me my reactions are an appropriate response to my surroundings.

Most of all I want to believe people when they say these things to me.

This is what I want to hear:

You're tired not only because you're working hard, but because you live in an extractionist society who insists on you working harder and harder and harder, one which never allows you to believe you've done enough.

You deserve a break because you're constantly doing the internal work of staying sane, staying kind, and staying gentle. Of unpicking the beliefs thrust upon you by those who do not have your best intention at heart.

You're doing enough because you are doing what you can within your current abilities. Despite the fact you think you could be doing more, you are doing what your current energy levels allow for at this moment.

Your reactions are an appropriate response to the constant horrors going on in the world. To governments knowingly and perpetually perpetrating global atrocities. To a society so intent on killing its own home planet.

Maybe that can be enough. For now.

P.S. If you enjoy my writing, you can buy me a coffee to fuel my work.