Thank you for the shoutout in the newsletter - but it's also wild to see myself listed as someone 'doing the thing' because I think that every single one of us focuses on all the ways we fall short of our values and what we preach, rather than focus on what we do achieve. I constantly feel a dissonance between how I act and what I believe in - but I also think we idealise what it means to be in a community, or to be walking the talk. We are built in systems that hold us back and then we punish ourselves for not constantly pushing against these structures, when that in itself is exhausting. You're doing great, you inspire me, and your success is shown in the fact you keep trying!
Oh 10000% with you on the idealisation. I always forget that real life exists when I imagine all the great things I could be/should be doing. We are not only swimming against the tide, we are swimming against a fucking tsunami. Thank you Cass <3
This is the hardest part. We are trying to steer our broken hearts and broken selves through a maelstrom.
The ancients spoke about this time. We were instructed not to cling to the shore out of fear - for there is no shore anymore. We are to let go, and as we are swept away we may find something floating in the storm to cling to. Then we look around and see who else is clinging to the same thing. Next, rather than despair, we celebrate in a good and holy way.
This is not about survival or extinction or about trying to be invulnerable. Quite the opposite.
The only safe place is in the loving heart. We make a warm, safe place when we love earth and all of our relations and include those of our species. That shared warm, safe, space is likely to be swept away. Even so, it is the only expression of life and love that we can have. I am part of a very large, imperfect, mixed-up community, and of several communities that overlap.
I keep thinking that I am not doing it right. But what if this is it? What if doing it right does not bring us to a peaceful meadow with butterflies and unicorns? What if the truly loving way to live into this is in our broken-ness and inadequacy?
This is a time of apocalypse - which means “revelation”.
James Baldwin said that “Love takes off the masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.” We are on a universal journey alongside all of the species we have extincted and that we continue to kill off here on earth. We still journey with them as we do with every star in the sky.
There is our true beloved community. When we love and accept this community deeply, we can walk with humility.
Can I as the extinct species to allow me to live in community with them? Can I offer my love, and accept theirs?
I find that having the patience to walk within a community of humans tries the patience beyond words. And yet I am called to do so. And so I do. There is no other path. Our community will be a broken, marginalized, traumatized community. But this is the Way.
So sometimes it is good not to speak or to write. Sometimes we need to cry, and weep, and lament. And sometimes we can rejoice, even in the bloody broken-ness of our attempts to live in loving community. Maybe you also are very much doing this right.
I recommend to live a marginalized life. Seek humility and poverty, and invite others to seek them with you. Invite others into marginalization rather than into salvation of any kind — spiritual or secular.
Only in becoming marginalized along with the more-than-human species can we even begin to find community.
Vandana Shiva has said that all culture is agriculture.
How we get our food is how we treat each other.
This breaks my heart.
I am so very far from loving the earth. And yet, I move into this broken-ness because here I will live in truth and love.
And the maelstrom will sweep over me sooner or later. So be it. The Way of Love never ends. Blessings on your journey, young one!
I've built community though a book club (we mostly read Charles Eisenstein) and those people became my core friends. I've also built community through a yoga studio, a church, and now I am hopeful to find community through a crochet and knitting group. The key making real friends is 1) Frequent Exposure- you have to see people at least once a week. If it's less than that, I've found it just leads to acquaintances. Monthly exposure to the same people is just not enough for it to move into actual community. The other way to build actual community is 2) Going on overnight retreats. It's a gamble, you're stuck with people for at least two days, but this has been my most successful means of making authentic friends. I met one of my closest friends on a weekend ski trip. We spent several hours driving to the ski resort, made meals together, and hung out at the lodge and ate. We were together from 3pm on a Friday until 10pm on a Sunday. After that trip, it wasn't weird or awkward to call her up and set up a weekly coffee date since we already had a history of going skiing together. I met another close friend on a camping trip. And I became closer to friends I didn't know very well through retreats. Retreats have been the best social investment in my experience. I've found that one-time events don't produce meaningful friendships. I've passed up on events and then thought "ah, gosh I could have made some friends!" but really, most likely it would have been an evening of chitting and chatting with strangers and then leaving. Also, if you talk to new people at an event, know that all you will do is delight them! They will not judge you or think you're weird. People love to be talked to. Even if the interaction doesn't lead anywhere, you can be a source of delight to that person.
That's interesting, about the frequent exposure, I think you're right. However, perhaps it also depends a bit on one's personality, the stage you're at in your life, what your other constraints and family commitments and indeed the nature of the people you're meeting with, and why. For me now, the level of commitment you're talking about once a week would be too much, though I can see it would lead to a much deeper level of engagement and real friendship.
Where I used to live we had a knitting and crochet group which met once a fortnight, we agreed that was about right for us. We gelled pretty well, were quite motivated to get involved with shared community based projects, and we were also mostly bloggers which was how we met in the first place, so we had that in common, but we didn't want to place too many demands on each other. Now I go to one monthly, and that isn't really enough, since if I have to miss it for any reason, I don't see them for two months, and it would be easy to let it go altogether. I don't though, mostly because there's one woman, who is really the guiding light, whom I like very much and I want to grow the friendship if possible, even if it takes a while. The group's been going about 9 years and there's a core of people who stick with it, most of them are neighbours who have lived in the same village forever and know each other's history, which is normal for rural France, but they're kind and open, and we talk about lots of things. It's a few miles away from where I live and I often go on my (funky bright blue) e-bike, which is a bit of a talking point and gets me some kudos!
Community comes in many forms though, I think, with many levels of commitment, communication etc. It doesn't have to be about world-changing actions and initiatives. Last year an elderly friend I'd made over some years on the dog-walking circuit (now there's a way to make a bit of community contact!) had to have an operation and couldn't manage her dog, who is my dog's best pal, fortunately. She was very worried about it, so we looked after her (the dog) for a week or so, then I walked her several times a day for a bit longer, while the friend got her mobility back. Like your ski trip friend, once we had this history and habit of seeing a lot of each other, it's now much easier just to make casual arrangements and hang out. Nevertheless, we've got a regular once-a-week food shopping date (she doesn't drive and struggles to walk there) which we stick to, because it takes away any tension or sense of guilt about how and when we might see each other; we're both quite careful of our personal space and of not intruding or imposing, so a regular, practical activity makes it easier.
At the same time (it was a busy summer!), the people who run our local pub/restaurant/bed and breakfast rooms, had problems and I ended up looking after the room changeovers. They paid me a bit for it, but mostly I did it to help out, and again our relationship shifted positively, as I was going in and out frequently and doing something practical with them, now we're much more relaxed together. Sometimes they have some food leftover, if they're going away or have some surplus after an event or something, and they know I'm very anti-waste and can usually share it around a network of friends and neighbours who are happy to take it.
I volunteer at a community garden, which is good as, again, it's doing something practical with others, though sometimes there aren't enough volunteers, which causes a bit of tension. The regularity of that is very much dictated by the demands of growing things and the seasons, which is interesting, but the busiest time is often when everyone's off on holiday! Currently it's just harvesting once a fortnight, which is quite laid back.
Depending on where one lives and one's income, to an extent, commercial relationships are not to be dismissed. I bought my bike from a woman-owned business in the village, it cost a bit more than if I'd gone to the big chain sports store out of town, but I get on well with the owner, she's lovely and always around and helpful. I make a point of going to the village market for veg and other food, much of it locally produced, and have a weekly order at the bakers, so I see the same people regularly and we get to know each other, and I hope maybe I'm helping to build a more resilient food system! I realise I'm very lucky to have such things available.
None of these things will bring about massive societal change on the one hand, or deep and lasting friendship on the other, both of which I suppose I sometimes wish I could get a bit more of, but I'm older and I think to some extent I've lowered my expectations of myself in both those areas. It's also taken time. My husband is 86 and my dog is 15, they both have a degree of separation anxiety, I don't like driving too much and going out in the evening is difficult, and I do like a lot of time at home and to myself. I've tried a few worthy activities which haven't worked out. We have to do what we can with what we have, I guess!
I love what you said about one-off meetings, talking to and delighting people! It really does all count, I'm sure.
Lucy--I love this!!!! These are all signs of incredible community efforts in my eyes. and I think its important to see how its all built up slowly! Community won't happen overnight but these seem so strong because you've made the commitments to show up. :)
Ahhh I love these stories, Alissa! And I can relate, playing netball weekly and having that team engagement has built some lovely little friendships (I just wish they weren't the other side of my city lol!). I have had the opportunity to do a few overnight and I have to say I've been scared out of 'em but I love to hear how it's worked for you. Perhaps I need to start my own Charles Eisenstein bookclub, I finally picked up The Ascent Of Humanity and I'm reading through it now. :)
I will say, I've had some weekend away fails. Once I was on a camping trip and everyone was drinking. It wasn't my scene. So, I just went off on my own and read on the beach. Someone said, "Wow I never knew you were such an introvert." I'm not an introvert, I wasn't enjoying the socializing, but I had another enjoyable activity to do. People just assumed I was introverted and that's fine with me.
Ahhh, I appreciate the statements here. And I’m so failing in the ecological restoration space, projects take sooo looong. Like, what is the at-scale simple solution there??? I have ideas but it just isn’t happening quickly enough.
Is a team a community? Building teams in the eco-space has been fun and fulfilling and you’ve helped me do that Isabelle. Your wonderful disposition and encouragement have meant so much. I’ve posted here on ‘Finding Sanity’ about meeting folks in person at 3-day conferences, with professional societies outside of mine. Posting publicly with your community helped me follow through on this team building ‘thing’ that means so much to me. It gave me some accountability to be brave :D.
Also, I may not be able to start a community, but have been able to join and support others. How does my friend Hailey Brock run The Nature of Reading Bookshop, pop-up stores at farmer’s markets (sometimes in the freezing cold), multiple book clubs, and community engagements??? I know WHY she does it – her mission statement is very clear on her website, and we’ve talked about it. But I will have to ask her HOW.
I’m in Hailey’s climate change book club where we advance climate anxiety resilience in person, in a safe space, monthly. Hailey’s special talents are not mine. But I can support her mission, and yours, as I stumble through my own…
And please – anyone here – join Hailey and me if you are at all interested – long distance or in person in Madison, NJ (Greater NYC Metro). Kind regards to all and thank you Isabelle.
Thank you for sharing this. Writing is an incredibly generous and taxing act. It needs time, space, care and empathy. You are doing amazing and affecting many others. 99% of your impact will never be felt by you, but know that it is real. Keep up your important work.
To be brutally honest, most of the time I feel like I'm failing to stand anywhere close to my aspirations. I said to the group on the Peasantry School Call last week something I'd never said before: I don't know that we actually have the courage to not be lonely. I could say the same thing all in the first person singular and it would be equally true. The relationship between our word "friend" and consumerism has become increasingly, and painfully, apparent to me. Consumerism is a project of personal preference, and so if a community is an ideal constellation of friends, wouldn't we find them through the same process of preference we use to pick out a new jacket? I have been asking myself what might happen if I stopped trying to make friends and instead started trying to feed my neighbors. Some days I actually practice that. I wonder if you might be interested in talking with me some day on one of the Peasantry School Calls? I'm going to structure them more like interviews with people who are asking some of these questions, and attempting to create practices around them. Thanks for your work, and your kind words. Adam
Thank you, Adam! This is so interesting to hear. I love the concept of feeding your neighbours, and the consumption of friendship hits so hard. I believe we think we need to have friends with certain qualities of sharing of certain aspects but so often they just need to be people. I live in an apartment block and in the flat's group chat all I see is people complaining about parking or some random crap and I say to my boyfriend half jokingly "Are THESE the people we're meant to apocalypse with?!" but I think I am judging too harshly. We obviously have something in common if we all live in this block, wonder how I can connect with them. I know knocking on the door is the obvious answer but the look of fear in my neighbours eyes when I go deliver a parcel or ask a question puts me off, haha!
Would love to chat on one of your calls. I am very sad I missed them. I will respond to your email and we can chat. :D
I resonate with this so much...!! It feels as if I wrote it myself.
I recently moved back home, after spending most of my adult life abroad. The resettling into a sense of community is really weird and difficult, and causes a lot of anxiety - I've been to events where there was conflict, gasp! The type of conflict that I managed to avoid for years (aside from seeing it in comment sections online) because I lived in cities and was able to carefully curate the people I hung out with. Community is messy, and difficult, and most of us are very ill-equipped for it. The irony is we co-regulate with others, so I don't know how we're ever meant to find the strength and calm to leave the house on our own and walk into a room full of strangers.
I also think that the more we know people are reading our writing, the more pressure we put on ourselves to say something really original/meaningful/world-changing.
Oh no!!! Not conflict!! haha!!! It is so true we can just avoid any type of conflict/annoyance/slight inconvenience living in the city, it's a LOT different in a smaller community. And I can definitely agree with your last part, I think I have to set an example LOL! Wonder the pressure it feels to have thousands of readers? Thank you for your comment Gwyneth, intrigued to hear how your settling goes.
As always Isabel, this is such a beautiful read. This time about you as the wonderful person you are. I think those juxtapositions of our personalities are so hard. My honest answer is that I don't care that you're human, I love it. I love that you maybe don't live all that maybe someone like me might have in mind you do. I don't love it for you though, because it's uncomfortable and energy draining. I hate to tell you how to suck eggs, but have you read Quiet by Susan Cain. You know you're an introvert, so you may have or if you haven't, your understanding already may not be helped by it. But I find it so helpful to know how our personalities come about - permission slips I call them. My anxiety has climbed since hitting this latter part of perimenopause, socialising has become harder. However what is coming from knowing why this is is I am endeavouring to be gentle with myself, knowing that it doesn't come easily to us all and if I'm knackered after, that's why. Anyway I'm rambling now. Above all love, you are not alone. And I love all that you write and I know that many of us are doing what we can within our capacity for the world. That can look very different from one of us to the next, but we're all valuable in that work, we all vital in fact. Much love xx
I can't edit my comment, but reading I don't mean I don't care you're human - I mean I love that you're human. That would have been a better way to put it!! xx
Thank you so much, Clare! this means a lot!!! However many times I remind myself that (whether im introverted or sensitive or whatever the label) because I'm different from those around me it doesn't mean I need to change/have a problem/am wrong, but it's still so hard?! Like my immediate response is to just criticise myself! Oh I SHOULD be this way, I just need to try harder/be more extroverted blah de blah blah blah! It's nice to hear you feel similarly. <3
Isabelle, sweetheart, cut yourself some slack! You're talking about a couple of months, at the lowest ebb time of year, when you've been rottenly ill, by the sounds of it, when you've let good intentions and momentum slide a bit. Yes, community is a wonderful and important and necessary thing, but it's also hard work and slow going (and as Gwyneth says, can provoke its share of anxiety), and it will all still be there in a little while when you're more equal to getting stuck into it, which you will be. In the meantime you are writing here, and reading and generally recharging, it all counts, as do your introversion and your struggles with anxiety, in terms of what you can and do contribute to the world.
Funnily enough, I have lived in Brighton, and Totnes, at very different times in my life (not Bristol, though we did celebrate our wedding there), and I have to say I hated both! This was undoubtedly more to do with me and where I was at at the time, than the places, but it was at least partly because everyone there seemed to have their part in life and community sussed, and I felt like an inept outsider, often frightened, ill-at-ease and/or lonely. It really took moving to a different country, where inevitably I'll never completely fit in, to get over myself and accept being an outsider, and then to find a way of being part of a community that works. (But that's just me, and probably not much help to you...)
Thank you so much, Lucy, this is so so kind. I do need to remember this, we are in rest times!! Our body needs rest!! I need to listen to my own advice!! LOL! I love to hear that my writing counts as part of my contribution to the world. <3
That's so interesting, I can see how that could happen. I imagined a community could be easier to slot into than creating your own but obvioudly both have their own sets of challenges. My partner and I do talk about moving countries, and I bet it's the fact that finding yourself with zero social circle probably pushes you to do a lot more than you would at the safety of a town you've lived in for a while. Thank you for your comment. :)
I'm not being flippant here but it is actually obvious what is going on and I'd suggest you have the power to fix it. Your emotional self is just trying to protect itself, telling you via emotions not to do these things, because you either have no experience of them and are worried, or you have experienced them and got burned and don't want that to happen again. To fix this, you need to work out if you can what it is that you're worried about, and secondly, make a plan about going to the next thing you have organised. Same principle you'd use if you were trying to change your diet, take up exercise or whatever. Sorry, really male and non-empathic thing to say. Ignore it if it doesn't sound good.
You know, you are right too! I do my best to balance the two sides, I know I need to push myself whilst also being gentle. I find I often get stuck on one side and feel awful for it lol. I can definitely see how adding in some practical strategies and just doing the thing will help here. :)
I totally empathize with how hard it is to practice what you preach. Maybe it's the introvert in me, but I much rather write behind a screen than go out to a community event (though there are tons in D.C.). I recently went to a climate resilience talk at the U.S. Botanical Gardens and really enjoyed it, though!
Also, I think something I struggle with constantly is that meat and dairy (and coffee!) account for such a large individual carbon footprint, and despite occasional forays into veganism, I always revert back to this carbon-heavy diet.
ME TOO BRANDON! I love doing stuff behind my SCREEN! Its nice to hear when you did branch out you enjoyed it. :)
That's interesting! I went vegan 7 years ago and love it, but my partner eats a lot of meat and dairy and i can't convince him otherwise. Perhaps rather than committing completely focus on low carbon meals? The Fork Ranger has toooooons of resources on this.
This is great, it hits so close to home I couldn't stop smiling the whole time I was reading.
I have also felt the strain of dissonance between what I think and say through my writing, and what I do. I would love to put what I write about into practice, and for short periods I have, but its not always possible.
I crave greater community connection but for some reason or another things often get in the way. This is inspiration to keep trying. I love the idea of not trying to escape to pre-existing communities, but instead to set them up where we already are.
On that note, pop me a direct message if you'd like to meet up in Birmingham sometime, it would be great to share experiences and hear what you're working on :)
Thank you for the shoutout in the newsletter - but it's also wild to see myself listed as someone 'doing the thing' because I think that every single one of us focuses on all the ways we fall short of our values and what we preach, rather than focus on what we do achieve. I constantly feel a dissonance between how I act and what I believe in - but I also think we idealise what it means to be in a community, or to be walking the talk. We are built in systems that hold us back and then we punish ourselves for not constantly pushing against these structures, when that in itself is exhausting. You're doing great, you inspire me, and your success is shown in the fact you keep trying!
Oh 10000% with you on the idealisation. I always forget that real life exists when I imagine all the great things I could be/should be doing. We are not only swimming against the tide, we are swimming against a fucking tsunami. Thank you Cass <3
This is the hardest part. We are trying to steer our broken hearts and broken selves through a maelstrom.
The ancients spoke about this time. We were instructed not to cling to the shore out of fear - for there is no shore anymore. We are to let go, and as we are swept away we may find something floating in the storm to cling to. Then we look around and see who else is clinging to the same thing. Next, rather than despair, we celebrate in a good and holy way.
This is not about survival or extinction or about trying to be invulnerable. Quite the opposite.
The only safe place is in the loving heart. We make a warm, safe place when we love earth and all of our relations and include those of our species. That shared warm, safe, space is likely to be swept away. Even so, it is the only expression of life and love that we can have. I am part of a very large, imperfect, mixed-up community, and of several communities that overlap.
I keep thinking that I am not doing it right. But what if this is it? What if doing it right does not bring us to a peaceful meadow with butterflies and unicorns? What if the truly loving way to live into this is in our broken-ness and inadequacy?
This is a time of apocalypse - which means “revelation”.
James Baldwin said that “Love takes off the masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.” We are on a universal journey alongside all of the species we have extincted and that we continue to kill off here on earth. We still journey with them as we do with every star in the sky.
There is our true beloved community. When we love and accept this community deeply, we can walk with humility.
Can I as the extinct species to allow me to live in community with them? Can I offer my love, and accept theirs?
I find that having the patience to walk within a community of humans tries the patience beyond words. And yet I am called to do so. And so I do. There is no other path. Our community will be a broken, marginalized, traumatized community. But this is the Way.
So sometimes it is good not to speak or to write. Sometimes we need to cry, and weep, and lament. And sometimes we can rejoice, even in the bloody broken-ness of our attempts to live in loving community. Maybe you also are very much doing this right.
I recommend to live a marginalized life. Seek humility and poverty, and invite others to seek them with you. Invite others into marginalization rather than into salvation of any kind — spiritual or secular.
Only in becoming marginalized along with the more-than-human species can we even begin to find community.
Vandana Shiva has said that all culture is agriculture.
How we get our food is how we treat each other.
This breaks my heart.
I am so very far from loving the earth. And yet, I move into this broken-ness because here I will live in truth and love.
And the maelstrom will sweep over me sooner or later. So be it. The Way of Love never ends. Blessings on your journey, young one!
I loved this so much, Gary. Thank you for sharing. I will read this again when I need it.
I've built community though a book club (we mostly read Charles Eisenstein) and those people became my core friends. I've also built community through a yoga studio, a church, and now I am hopeful to find community through a crochet and knitting group. The key making real friends is 1) Frequent Exposure- you have to see people at least once a week. If it's less than that, I've found it just leads to acquaintances. Monthly exposure to the same people is just not enough for it to move into actual community. The other way to build actual community is 2) Going on overnight retreats. It's a gamble, you're stuck with people for at least two days, but this has been my most successful means of making authentic friends. I met one of my closest friends on a weekend ski trip. We spent several hours driving to the ski resort, made meals together, and hung out at the lodge and ate. We were together from 3pm on a Friday until 10pm on a Sunday. After that trip, it wasn't weird or awkward to call her up and set up a weekly coffee date since we already had a history of going skiing together. I met another close friend on a camping trip. And I became closer to friends I didn't know very well through retreats. Retreats have been the best social investment in my experience. I've found that one-time events don't produce meaningful friendships. I've passed up on events and then thought "ah, gosh I could have made some friends!" but really, most likely it would have been an evening of chitting and chatting with strangers and then leaving. Also, if you talk to new people at an event, know that all you will do is delight them! They will not judge you or think you're weird. People love to be talked to. Even if the interaction doesn't lead anywhere, you can be a source of delight to that person.
That's interesting, about the frequent exposure, I think you're right. However, perhaps it also depends a bit on one's personality, the stage you're at in your life, what your other constraints and family commitments and indeed the nature of the people you're meeting with, and why. For me now, the level of commitment you're talking about once a week would be too much, though I can see it would lead to a much deeper level of engagement and real friendship.
Where I used to live we had a knitting and crochet group which met once a fortnight, we agreed that was about right for us. We gelled pretty well, were quite motivated to get involved with shared community based projects, and we were also mostly bloggers which was how we met in the first place, so we had that in common, but we didn't want to place too many demands on each other. Now I go to one monthly, and that isn't really enough, since if I have to miss it for any reason, I don't see them for two months, and it would be easy to let it go altogether. I don't though, mostly because there's one woman, who is really the guiding light, whom I like very much and I want to grow the friendship if possible, even if it takes a while. The group's been going about 9 years and there's a core of people who stick with it, most of them are neighbours who have lived in the same village forever and know each other's history, which is normal for rural France, but they're kind and open, and we talk about lots of things. It's a few miles away from where I live and I often go on my (funky bright blue) e-bike, which is a bit of a talking point and gets me some kudos!
Community comes in many forms though, I think, with many levels of commitment, communication etc. It doesn't have to be about world-changing actions and initiatives. Last year an elderly friend I'd made over some years on the dog-walking circuit (now there's a way to make a bit of community contact!) had to have an operation and couldn't manage her dog, who is my dog's best pal, fortunately. She was very worried about it, so we looked after her (the dog) for a week or so, then I walked her several times a day for a bit longer, while the friend got her mobility back. Like your ski trip friend, once we had this history and habit of seeing a lot of each other, it's now much easier just to make casual arrangements and hang out. Nevertheless, we've got a regular once-a-week food shopping date (she doesn't drive and struggles to walk there) which we stick to, because it takes away any tension or sense of guilt about how and when we might see each other; we're both quite careful of our personal space and of not intruding or imposing, so a regular, practical activity makes it easier.
At the same time (it was a busy summer!), the people who run our local pub/restaurant/bed and breakfast rooms, had problems and I ended up looking after the room changeovers. They paid me a bit for it, but mostly I did it to help out, and again our relationship shifted positively, as I was going in and out frequently and doing something practical with them, now we're much more relaxed together. Sometimes they have some food leftover, if they're going away or have some surplus after an event or something, and they know I'm very anti-waste and can usually share it around a network of friends and neighbours who are happy to take it.
I volunteer at a community garden, which is good as, again, it's doing something practical with others, though sometimes there aren't enough volunteers, which causes a bit of tension. The regularity of that is very much dictated by the demands of growing things and the seasons, which is interesting, but the busiest time is often when everyone's off on holiday! Currently it's just harvesting once a fortnight, which is quite laid back.
Depending on where one lives and one's income, to an extent, commercial relationships are not to be dismissed. I bought my bike from a woman-owned business in the village, it cost a bit more than if I'd gone to the big chain sports store out of town, but I get on well with the owner, she's lovely and always around and helpful. I make a point of going to the village market for veg and other food, much of it locally produced, and have a weekly order at the bakers, so I see the same people regularly and we get to know each other, and I hope maybe I'm helping to build a more resilient food system! I realise I'm very lucky to have such things available.
None of these things will bring about massive societal change on the one hand, or deep and lasting friendship on the other, both of which I suppose I sometimes wish I could get a bit more of, but I'm older and I think to some extent I've lowered my expectations of myself in both those areas. It's also taken time. My husband is 86 and my dog is 15, they both have a degree of separation anxiety, I don't like driving too much and going out in the evening is difficult, and I do like a lot of time at home and to myself. I've tried a few worthy activities which haven't worked out. We have to do what we can with what we have, I guess!
I love what you said about one-off meetings, talking to and delighting people! It really does all count, I'm sure.
Lucy--I love this!!!! These are all signs of incredible community efforts in my eyes. and I think its important to see how its all built up slowly! Community won't happen overnight but these seem so strong because you've made the commitments to show up. :)
Ahhh I love these stories, Alissa! And I can relate, playing netball weekly and having that team engagement has built some lovely little friendships (I just wish they weren't the other side of my city lol!). I have had the opportunity to do a few overnight and I have to say I've been scared out of 'em but I love to hear how it's worked for you. Perhaps I need to start my own Charles Eisenstein bookclub, I finally picked up The Ascent Of Humanity and I'm reading through it now. :)
I will say, I've had some weekend away fails. Once I was on a camping trip and everyone was drinking. It wasn't my scene. So, I just went off on my own and read on the beach. Someone said, "Wow I never knew you were such an introvert." I'm not an introvert, I wasn't enjoying the socializing, but I had another enjoyable activity to do. People just assumed I was introverted and that's fine with me.
Ahhh, I appreciate the statements here. And I’m so failing in the ecological restoration space, projects take sooo looong. Like, what is the at-scale simple solution there??? I have ideas but it just isn’t happening quickly enough.
Is a team a community? Building teams in the eco-space has been fun and fulfilling and you’ve helped me do that Isabelle. Your wonderful disposition and encouragement have meant so much. I’ve posted here on ‘Finding Sanity’ about meeting folks in person at 3-day conferences, with professional societies outside of mine. Posting publicly with your community helped me follow through on this team building ‘thing’ that means so much to me. It gave me some accountability to be brave :D.
Also, I may not be able to start a community, but have been able to join and support others. How does my friend Hailey Brock run The Nature of Reading Bookshop, pop-up stores at farmer’s markets (sometimes in the freezing cold), multiple book clubs, and community engagements??? I know WHY she does it – her mission statement is very clear on her website, and we’ve talked about it. But I will have to ask her HOW.
I’m in Hailey’s climate change book club where we advance climate anxiety resilience in person, in a safe space, monthly. Hailey’s special talents are not mine. But I can support her mission, and yours, as I stumble through my own…
And please – anyone here – join Hailey and me if you are at all interested – long distance or in person in Madison, NJ (Greater NYC Metro). Kind regards to all and thank you Isabelle.
Everything feels so SLOW, doesn't it?
Love the sound of Hailey's bookshop!!! Very jealous you live near. :)
Thank you for sharing this. Writing is an incredibly generous and taxing act. It needs time, space, care and empathy. You are doing amazing and affecting many others. 99% of your impact will never be felt by you, but know that it is real. Keep up your important work.
Thank you so much, Michael. This means a lot. <3
Isabelle,
To be brutally honest, most of the time I feel like I'm failing to stand anywhere close to my aspirations. I said to the group on the Peasantry School Call last week something I'd never said before: I don't know that we actually have the courage to not be lonely. I could say the same thing all in the first person singular and it would be equally true. The relationship between our word "friend" and consumerism has become increasingly, and painfully, apparent to me. Consumerism is a project of personal preference, and so if a community is an ideal constellation of friends, wouldn't we find them through the same process of preference we use to pick out a new jacket? I have been asking myself what might happen if I stopped trying to make friends and instead started trying to feed my neighbors. Some days I actually practice that. I wonder if you might be interested in talking with me some day on one of the Peasantry School Calls? I'm going to structure them more like interviews with people who are asking some of these questions, and attempting to create practices around them. Thanks for your work, and your kind words. Adam
Thank you, Adam! This is so interesting to hear. I love the concept of feeding your neighbours, and the consumption of friendship hits so hard. I believe we think we need to have friends with certain qualities of sharing of certain aspects but so often they just need to be people. I live in an apartment block and in the flat's group chat all I see is people complaining about parking or some random crap and I say to my boyfriend half jokingly "Are THESE the people we're meant to apocalypse with?!" but I think I am judging too harshly. We obviously have something in common if we all live in this block, wonder how I can connect with them. I know knocking on the door is the obvious answer but the look of fear in my neighbours eyes when I go deliver a parcel or ask a question puts me off, haha!
Would love to chat on one of your calls. I am very sad I missed them. I will respond to your email and we can chat. :D
I resonate with this so much...!! It feels as if I wrote it myself.
I recently moved back home, after spending most of my adult life abroad. The resettling into a sense of community is really weird and difficult, and causes a lot of anxiety - I've been to events where there was conflict, gasp! The type of conflict that I managed to avoid for years (aside from seeing it in comment sections online) because I lived in cities and was able to carefully curate the people I hung out with. Community is messy, and difficult, and most of us are very ill-equipped for it. The irony is we co-regulate with others, so I don't know how we're ever meant to find the strength and calm to leave the house on our own and walk into a room full of strangers.
I also think that the more we know people are reading our writing, the more pressure we put on ourselves to say something really original/meaningful/world-changing.
Oh no!!! Not conflict!! haha!!! It is so true we can just avoid any type of conflict/annoyance/slight inconvenience living in the city, it's a LOT different in a smaller community. And I can definitely agree with your last part, I think I have to set an example LOL! Wonder the pressure it feels to have thousands of readers? Thank you for your comment Gwyneth, intrigued to hear how your settling goes.
As always Isabel, this is such a beautiful read. This time about you as the wonderful person you are. I think those juxtapositions of our personalities are so hard. My honest answer is that I don't care that you're human, I love it. I love that you maybe don't live all that maybe someone like me might have in mind you do. I don't love it for you though, because it's uncomfortable and energy draining. I hate to tell you how to suck eggs, but have you read Quiet by Susan Cain. You know you're an introvert, so you may have or if you haven't, your understanding already may not be helped by it. But I find it so helpful to know how our personalities come about - permission slips I call them. My anxiety has climbed since hitting this latter part of perimenopause, socialising has become harder. However what is coming from knowing why this is is I am endeavouring to be gentle with myself, knowing that it doesn't come easily to us all and if I'm knackered after, that's why. Anyway I'm rambling now. Above all love, you are not alone. And I love all that you write and I know that many of us are doing what we can within our capacity for the world. That can look very different from one of us to the next, but we're all valuable in that work, we all vital in fact. Much love xx
I can't edit my comment, but reading I don't mean I don't care you're human - I mean I love that you're human. That would have been a better way to put it!! xx
Thank you so much, Clare! this means a lot!!! However many times I remind myself that (whether im introverted or sensitive or whatever the label) because I'm different from those around me it doesn't mean I need to change/have a problem/am wrong, but it's still so hard?! Like my immediate response is to just criticise myself! Oh I SHOULD be this way, I just need to try harder/be more extroverted blah de blah blah blah! It's nice to hear you feel similarly. <3
Isabelle, sweetheart, cut yourself some slack! You're talking about a couple of months, at the lowest ebb time of year, when you've been rottenly ill, by the sounds of it, when you've let good intentions and momentum slide a bit. Yes, community is a wonderful and important and necessary thing, but it's also hard work and slow going (and as Gwyneth says, can provoke its share of anxiety), and it will all still be there in a little while when you're more equal to getting stuck into it, which you will be. In the meantime you are writing here, and reading and generally recharging, it all counts, as do your introversion and your struggles with anxiety, in terms of what you can and do contribute to the world.
Funnily enough, I have lived in Brighton, and Totnes, at very different times in my life (not Bristol, though we did celebrate our wedding there), and I have to say I hated both! This was undoubtedly more to do with me and where I was at at the time, than the places, but it was at least partly because everyone there seemed to have their part in life and community sussed, and I felt like an inept outsider, often frightened, ill-at-ease and/or lonely. It really took moving to a different country, where inevitably I'll never completely fit in, to get over myself and accept being an outsider, and then to find a way of being part of a community that works. (But that's just me, and probably not much help to you...)
Thank you so much, Lucy, this is so so kind. I do need to remember this, we are in rest times!! Our body needs rest!! I need to listen to my own advice!! LOL! I love to hear that my writing counts as part of my contribution to the world. <3
That's so interesting, I can see how that could happen. I imagined a community could be easier to slot into than creating your own but obvioudly both have their own sets of challenges. My partner and I do talk about moving countries, and I bet it's the fact that finding yourself with zero social circle probably pushes you to do a lot more than you would at the safety of a town you've lived in for a while. Thank you for your comment. :)
I'm not being flippant here but it is actually obvious what is going on and I'd suggest you have the power to fix it. Your emotional self is just trying to protect itself, telling you via emotions not to do these things, because you either have no experience of them and are worried, or you have experienced them and got burned and don't want that to happen again. To fix this, you need to work out if you can what it is that you're worried about, and secondly, make a plan about going to the next thing you have organised. Same principle you'd use if you were trying to change your diet, take up exercise or whatever. Sorry, really male and non-empathic thing to say. Ignore it if it doesn't sound good.
You know, you are right too! I do my best to balance the two sides, I know I need to push myself whilst also being gentle. I find I often get stuck on one side and feel awful for it lol. I can definitely see how adding in some practical strategies and just doing the thing will help here. :)
I totally empathize with how hard it is to practice what you preach. Maybe it's the introvert in me, but I much rather write behind a screen than go out to a community event (though there are tons in D.C.). I recently went to a climate resilience talk at the U.S. Botanical Gardens and really enjoyed it, though!
Also, I think something I struggle with constantly is that meat and dairy (and coffee!) account for such a large individual carbon footprint, and despite occasional forays into veganism, I always revert back to this carbon-heavy diet.
ME TOO BRANDON! I love doing stuff behind my SCREEN! Its nice to hear when you did branch out you enjoyed it. :)
That's interesting! I went vegan 7 years ago and love it, but my partner eats a lot of meat and dairy and i can't convince him otherwise. Perhaps rather than committing completely focus on low carbon meals? The Fork Ranger has toooooons of resources on this.
This is great, it hits so close to home I couldn't stop smiling the whole time I was reading.
I have also felt the strain of dissonance between what I think and say through my writing, and what I do. I would love to put what I write about into practice, and for short periods I have, but its not always possible.
I crave greater community connection but for some reason or another things often get in the way. This is inspiration to keep trying. I love the idea of not trying to escape to pre-existing communities, but instead to set them up where we already are.
On that note, pop me a direct message if you'd like to meet up in Birmingham sometime, it would be great to share experiences and hear what you're working on :)
So glad this resonated Keshav! :) Will DM ya.